Crackheads in a Galaxy Far, Far Away
by XXX Hard Core Fans
Summary: A spinoff of the BreeGirls collab! LoTR/Star wars...written by De & Ian. A vacation turns into another adventure...guaranteed insanity.
1. Ch 1

~*~*A/N: Okay. This has been in the dark for a while, but we've finally decided to do it. Ian and De are writing a collab together. This is a Star Wars/LoTR collab, with the usual BreeGirls gang. It's a spinoff, as well, and takes place in between "A Crackheaded Return to Mordor" and "Daytona". If you haven't read the BreeGirls collabs, you might not understand this. The first chapter is in De's PoV and is pretty much an intro and some background on Ian. Enjoy! And...May the force be with you!  
  
  
~*~*ONE: Introduction*~*~  
  
  
  
I threw the last of my tank tops and shorts into my suitcase and jumped on it, forcing it shut. Kristin stood next to me, and rolled her eyes.  
  
"I'm sure it would have stayed shut if you'd closed it like a normal human being," she said.  
  
I stuck my tongue out at her.  
  
"You're just jealous because I get to skip school and go away for a week with Ian to Bermuda," I said.   
  
"Well, yeah," Kristin replied. "Wouldn't we all be?"  
  
I laughed, and hauled my suitcase off of my bed, grunting. It was heavy.  
  
"How did you meet this Ian kid anyway?" Kristin asked. "All of a sudden you come home and you're all like, 'Ian, this' and 'Ian, that'."   
  
"Well," I said, sitting down. "I thought I told you."  
  
"You didn't."  
  
I gave a wry smile and launched into the story.  
  
"I was on the line buying Lord of the Rings tickets the other day - you know - when I went to see it with Lauren. I bought the last ticket before it got sold out, and Ian was right behind me. He was kind of pissed off, so I decided to sneak him in with us."  
  
"Really."  
  
"Yes. Anyway. I had him walk in next to me, and there were so many people walking past that the guy who was ripping the tickets didn't even seem to notice. We got past him, and Ian basically professed his undying love for me and Lauren."  
  
"And now you're going to Bermuda with him? I don't get it."  
  
"Well, you know I hung out with him the other day," I said. "And the day before that."  
  
"Are you screwing him?" Kristin asked, sitting on my bed. I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Please," I said. "The guy is no Aragorn."  
  
"Is he hot?" Kristin wondered.  
  
"He's not Aragorn."  
  
"Obviously. But is - he - hot?"  
  
I paused.   
  
"Sure," I said. "But he's no Aragorn."  
  
Kristin laughed, and stood up.   
  
"Come on," she said. "You're going to be late to the airport."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Bye!" I yelled, as Kristin sped off in her black pickup truck. I sighed, and lugged my bags towards the doors.   
  
"So how many times do you think we can see Lord of the Rings in Bermuda?" came a voice behind me. "Seven? Eight?"  
  
"Ian!" I said, turning. "Let's roll. We're gonna miss our flight."  
  
"Nah, we won't," he said, following me inside.   
  
"Flight 2931 to Bermuda now boarding at Gate E. Last call for Flight 2931."  
  
I gave him a look, and took off, sprinting.  
  
We ran towards Gate E, weaving in and out of crowds and ducking around small groups of people. We apparently made it just in time, being as they were starting close the doors. We quickly found our seats, and sighed simultaneously. I shot him another look and settled back into my seat.  
  
"Dumbass," I muttered under my breath.  
  
"Hey! We got here, didn't we?" Ian asked, placing his hands behind his head and leaning back.  
  
"Barely," I replied, narrowing my eyes. "You're so lucky we made it."   
  
"Yeah," he laughed. "Or what? You were going to smite me to Mordor?"  
  
That's one thing that Ian wasn't cool about. He didn't believe in my visit to Mordor with Kris, Lily, and Jess.  
  
"Maybe I would," I said, raising my eyebrows slightly.  
  
"Right," he scoffed. "And I'm the King of Gondor."  
  
"You never know when you'll have an adventure," I said philisophically. "Stranger things have happened."   
  
"Okay," he said sarcastically. I rolled my eyes and whacked him in the shoulder. Ian was cool and all...but did he *have* to mock me every five seconds?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"We're finally here," I said, grinning as I stepped off the ramp in the Bermuda Airport. "I love this place."  
  
"Any movie theatres around?" Ian wondered, falling into step beside me.  
  
Leave it to Ian to only think about Lord of the Rings while on a beautiful island with a hot chick, such as myself.  
  
"Let's go find our rental car," I said, pointing towards the exit. "You can worry about Middle-earth later. Who knows? Maybe Gandalf will show up."  
  
"Yeah. Right. And maybe I'll invent a time machine while we're at it."  
  
Oi. This was going to be an interesting vacation, for sure.  
  
  
~*~*A/N: Ian? Take 'er away!*~*~ 


	2. Ch 2

~*~*Hey…this is Ian, being as De and Kris always write these interesting little intro things for each chapter, I figured I was going to be different and NOT! HAHAHA…except that "He's no Aragorn" thing…what if I am? U never know…so without further ado…here it comes…  
  
  
After we retrieved our luggage from that fun thing that makes the bags go around in a circle, we went to the car rental counter. (De did not want me to mention her little "accident" of falling onto the baggage thing, and her going around in circles with the bags. I found it pretty funny, but it has been omitted from the story for De's sake.) I walked suavely up to the car rental counter and asked what they had available.  
  
"What would you like sir?" the ditzy blonde behind the counter asked me.  
  
"I want a red Dodge Viper, 6 speed sport shift, nitrous oxide boosters…"  
  
"Ian!" De said, slapping me on the arm, bringing me back to reality.  
  
"Sorry" I replied with a smirk.  
  
"I think we have one of those sir." The blonde replied.  
  
"I'll take it." I said with a laugh. The woman handed me the keys, not even thinking to ask me if I was old enough to drive. (Yes I am old enough to drive for the record)  
  
***  
  
We walked out and loaded our baggage in the car. I got in the drivers seat and fired up the engine. Niiice. This was going to be fun. As we sped along the coastline toward the beach house that De had acquired for us. I flipped the switch on the dashboard that revealed an extra pedal under my left foot. I gently tapped the new pedal. The car rocketed forward, RPMs holding steady, but the speed shooting up to about 150.  
  
"IAN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" De asked me.  
  
"Ha ha, just trying out the nitro boosters honey." I replied with a laugh.  
  
"Nitro boosters? UUUhhhh…that is sooo HOT!" De replied.  
  
I couldn't help but grin. You had to love a woman who orgasmed over a fast car.  
  
"IAN! STOP HERE!" De yelled.  
  
I screeched the brakes to a halt in front of the beach house leaving a trail of rubber about fifty feet long.  
  
"What is wrong with you?"  
  
"I like the smell of burning rubber" I replied. She didn't quite like my display of manly driving skills, but that's ok. I watched from the drivers seat as De got out and began to unload the car. This vacation was either going to kick serious ass, or suck.  
  
  
~*~*In lieu of me not putting anything at the beginning, I don't think I'll put anything at the end either. 


	3. Ch 3

~*~*A/N: I love this fic. Seriously. You have no idea how much fun this is gonna get. De's PoV.*~*~  
  
  
  
I threw my suitcase down onto the floor.  
  
"Holy crap," I said. "I really wonder what I packed in there."  
  
"Bricks?" Ian guessed. "Bowling balls?"  
  
"Maybe a couple of orthanc stones," I said with a shrug.  
  
"Orthanc stones? No. 'Palantiri' would be the word you are looking for." Ian repeated, rolling his eyes.  
  
Oh, man. I could feel the sarcasm coming on.  
  
"Maybe Gandalf will come to claim them," he suggested, obviously joking. "And he'll bring the whole Fellowship along with him, while he's at it. And who knows? Maybe Gandalf will smite you to Mordor for taking his palan-"  
  
"All right, all right," I interrupted. "One day, I'll prove this to you. We *really* went to Mordor. And Rivendell, and Lothlórien."   
  
"De, you have problems," Ian said flatly.  
  
I rolled my eyes. Fine, so he didn't believe me. Sooner than later, he'd find out the truth.  
  
"So what do we do now?" he asked. "We could see if Lor-"  
  
"No! Can't you go even two days without seeing Lord of the Rings?"  
  
"No, I can't," he answered with a straight face. "What about you? I thought you were a triple x hardcore fan!"  
  
"Yeah, well, you really don't appreciate the on-screen version so much after you've received elf-tongue-torture and licked the Dunedain," I shot back, grinning.  
  
There was a slight pause.  
  
"You're right," Ian said. "Skip the movies. We need to find you one of those head-shrinker-guys."   
  
Oi. Was I going to have to put up with *this* all week long?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Kristin sat outside on Jess's deck. The two were enjoying the newly warm weather, lounging around, and drinking homemade iced tea. A mangled, dog-eared copy of Lord of the Rings lay off to the side, where Jess had been reading previously.  
  
"I miss De," Jess announced.  
  
"Yeah. I can't believe her parents let her miss school to go away with Ian."  
  
"Who *is* Ian anyway?" Jess wondered.  
  
"I don't know - I've never met the guy," Kristin answered. "But - ten to one - De's screwing him."  
  
"Nah, we'd have heard about it," Jess said. "You know how she can never shut her mouth about sex."  
  
"True," Kristin agreed. After a pause, she added, "I hope we see the Fellowship again soon. It's been a while since our last escapade."  
  
"Wouldn't it suck if they showed up in Bermuda?" Jess commented.  
  
"Uh, yeah," Kristin agreed. "Besides, that just wouldn't be fair! I mean, De can't have an amazing tropical vacation *and* a Fellowship adventure! It's completely and totally unbalanced. I mean - think about it! De...getting to lick the Dunedain on the *beach*, while we sit in English class! It just can't happen!"  
  
"I'd rather not think about De doing anything sexual," Jess replied.  
  
"If anyone deserves some Middle-earth dick, it's us," Kristin continued.  
  
"No argument there," Jess agreed.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Meanwhile, in Middle-earth, the Fellowship was resting in Rivendell, with the hospitality of Lord Elrond. The Elf-lord was in his library, with Gandalf, discussing a very important matter.  
  
"You said you had a vision of some sort," Elrond said.  
  
"Aye," Gandalf agreed. "I fear that one of the mortal girls could be in danger. She is not in harm's way as of yet, but I worry for her."  
  
"Oh?" Elrond said, his eyebrows raised. "And what do you plan on doing about this?"  
  
"I was considering bringing my companions to Earth," Gandalf said. "To the house of Lady Jess. From there, we can see how we should go about helping the Lady De."   
  
"So it is the Lady De you fear for?" Elrond inferred.  
  
"Aye," Gandalf confirmed. "I see a very peculiar journey ahead of her, and I only hope she will be safe. Aragorn is very fond of her, you know."  
  
Elrond smirked. 'Of course he is,' he thought. 'Considering what she was doing that time, in this very library....'  
  
"I will prepare the other eight for travel," Gandalf announced. "We will plan to arrive at Lady Jess's tomorrow morning."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
We'd finally gotten all our things unpacked around seven-thirty. Believe me, it took an age in itself to unpack all my clothes. :-P  
  
After getting everything settled into the beach house, we went to frolick. Fun stuff.  
  
"What are we doing tomorrow?" Ian asked, as I skipped ahead of him on the beach. "Do you-"  
  
"If you ask me to see Lord of the Rings, so help me, I'll-"  
  
"I wasn't going to ask that," Ian replied laughing. "I was going to say...do you have any ideas?"  
  
"Oh. Well, in that case, yes!" I said, with a grin. "We should go sailing."  
  
"I'm not gay," Ian said. "Nor am I in love with you. So there is no excuse for me to go sailing."  
  
I blinked. That was seriously the silliest thing I'd ever heard.   
  
"Whatever," I said with a shrug. "We're going sailing. I won't tell anyone."   
  
Ian rolled his eyes, and sighed.  
  
"Amin anta est," he said, flopping down on the sand.  
  
I whirled, my eyes wide.  
  
"What did you just say?"  
  
He gave me a funny look.  
  
"I said, 'I'm tired'. It's Elvish. Actually, it's Quenya...or maybe that's Sindarin , but-"  
  
"I don't care about that," I said, with a wave of my hand. "You can speak Elvish?"  
  
"Well, yeah," Ian replied, as if it was the most common thing in the world. I stared at him for a bit, my jaw open slightly. "Stop that. You're creeping me out, De."   
  
"Elvish is so hot," I said with a grin.  
  
"You seriously need a therap...hey...wait a second," Ian paused, starting to smile, as if he were thinking something new. "Amin caela noa."  
  
  
  
~*~*A/N: I'll conveniently leave it off there*~*~ 


	4. Ch 4

~*~*You wish you knew what I was saying…HAHA*~*~  
  
  
  
Well…my Elvish isn't great, but I knew enough to impress De. So…I thought I might as well make the best of it.  
  
"Hama sinome" I said, motioning to the ground next to me. I don't know if De knew what I was saying or not, but she sat down next to me. I looked out over the beautiful Bermuda sea, watching the sun set over the water. I felt De's head lean against my shoulder. I felt like I was in one of those cheesy, romantic chick-flicks…but hey…I could get some.  
  
"Do you know any more Elvish?" De asked.  
  
"Amin caela" I replied.  
  
"Wow Ian, that is sooooo hot! I could just…"  
  
"Mani?"  
  
"Iaaan, you have no idea what that does to me." De moaned.  
  
"Lle creoso" I replied.  
  
"Ian…did you ever hear of cosmo tongue?" she asked me.  
  
"N'uma…" I said shaking my head, "Ona ta a'amin"  
  
"What does that mean?" De asked, looking at me questioningly.  
  
" 'Give it to me' " I replied with a grin.  
  
  
*** Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away…** *  
  
  
Blaster fire tore through the docking bay. Hundreds of battle droids began streaming out of the transports. A small number of Jedi Knights along with a squadron of clones, Padme Amidala, and her royal guards were trapped in the entrance to the hanger. The droids, who had landed past the Republic ships, had cut off their only escape.  
  
"Is there any other way out?" Obi-Wan Kenobi, a tall Jedi Knight with an Aragorn-style beard and brown hair cut at his shoulders asked Yoda, the ancient Jedi Master.  
  
"Escape will save us not" Yoda replied.  
  
"What do we do?" Obi-Wan asked.  
  
"Hmmmmm" Yoda hummed, in deep thought. Obi-Wan followed his master's example. He calmed himself, and felt the power of the force flow through him. Obi-Wan reached into his belt holster and pulled out his lightsaber. He flicked the switch, and charged forward.  
  
The blue blade of his lightsaber hummed, along with the blades of the rest of the Jedi Knights. Obi-Wan could feel their force presence as he charged forward. Suddenly, something on the edge of his sphere of consciousness overpowered him. It was not a droid. It was definitely not a droid. He opened his eyes in time to see Count Dooku approaching.  
  
***  
  
Padme watched the Jedi charge forward. She thought it suicidal, but knew nothing about the powers of the force, so she could not comprehend their abilities. However, Master Yoda could.  
  
***  
  
Yoda expanded his mental sphere of consciousness to surround the whole docking bay. He saw that this fight was pointless, and could not be won. Dooku would win this battle. He saw his chance to escape. He used his telekinetic abilities to knock out a platoon of Battle Droids to his left. This would enable him to reach a ship safely. Yoda saw that he had mere seconds to reach the ship. As he hobbled across the docking by floor, he heard Padme scream, "Yodaaaaaaaaaa! Where are you going?"  
  
"Worry not. Return I shall" Yoda replied, and levitated himself into the fighter.  
  
***  
  
"Deploy a wing of fighters!" Dooku ordered.  
  
***  
  
As he exited the atmosphere, Yoda's craft was quickly assailed by an entire wing of droid fighters. (Note: Wing=72 fighters) Yoda quickly searched for an exit vector to a friendly system, but found none. A blind hyperspace jump would have to do. Blind jumps were very dangerous, his ship could be propelled through a star or planet, killing him instantly. This was a risk he would have to take. Yoda pulled back on the lightspeed lever and prepared for a long trip through hyperspace. The stars extended into long beams of light as his ship shot into lightspeed. 


	5. Ch 5

~*~*A/N: Oi. De's PoV. This one...is solely for Ian. Just because...yeah. It's "the scene". And it's gonna be graphic. So that's my warning.*~*~  
  
  
"Dolle naa lost," Ian said, holding back a laugh. 'This is great,' he thought. 'I'm insulting this girl in Elvish and I'm still going to get head.'  
  
"If only you had a sword," I said, fumbling with his belt. "That would make this all the better."  
  
Ian frowned slightly.  
  
"De, you really do need professional help."  
  
My hands froze and I glared up at him.   
  
"Estolada sinome," he said quickly, and I went back to undoing his pants.   
  
Oo. Fun. If there were three things in the world that turned me on the most, it was swords, Elvish, and fast cars. So far, we were doing pretty good.  
  
"Uh...amin n'rangwa edanea," Ian continued, as I finally got the damn belt off. I threw it behind me and pulled down the jeans he was wearing. With a quick look around, just to make sure I wasn't going to traumatize anyone, I freed him from his boxers.  
  
"De, are you-"  
  
"I hear English!" I sang out, taking a step backwards.   
  
Ian sighed.  
  
"Uuma ma' ten' rashwe, ta tuluva a' lle," he said, racking his brain quickly for more Elvish terms.  
  
"That's what I thought," I said, tossing my hair behind my shoulder. I adjusted my sunglasses on my head, and fixed the straps of my white bikini. It was fun to make 'em wait. Ian just looked amused. Knowing him, he'd find away to make fun of *this* too.  
  
I bent my head down, and ran my tongue along the length of him slowly, and then swirled it around. Eh, it wasn't Ranger-dick, but he'd do. Plus, I was glad I read this month's Cosmo. They had a whole new article with even *more* tips!  
  
I rounded my mouth (no teeth - teeth are bad) and took him into my mouth, working him in and out slowly, stroking the head with the base of my tongue.  
  
"Elenya..." he moaned.  
  
A-whatta?   
  
I shrugged, and continued, moving my head back and forth, a little faster, and a little harder.   
  
"Anarya...."  
  
I paused, locking my lips around him, and then slowly took him all the way in. (De/Cosmo Tip: It's a proven fact that if you bend your head the right way, you can actually take a guy's "member" fully down your throat without gagging. Try it sometime.)  
  
"Oh dear g-....I mean.....Isilya....."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I wonder what De and Ian are doing now," mused Kristin.  
  
The two girls were still out on Jess's deck, getting a terrific early start on skin cancer.  
  
"Who knows," Jess mumbled. "Maybe they got on the wrong plane, and wound up getting shippped to Iceland."  
  
Kristin let out a short, loud laugh.   
  
"Nah," she said after a while. "Wishful thinking though."  
  
"Yeah," Jess said, sighing. "She's probably having a good time."  
  
"Probably having a great time," Kristin said.  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
"I wonder what they're doing," Kristin remarked again.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Alduya!!!!" Ian groaned, getting quite loud. I was now going back and forth rapidly, flicking my tongue along the head of his hard member.   
  
"Menelya...." he continued, his hands in my hair. I swear, if he screwed up my pretty waves...I'd kill him.  
  
Nevertheless, I pressed on, my jaw getting somewhat tired. How come he hadn't orgasmed yet? Usually Aragorn was done in a grand total of two seconds. This had been going on for longer than five minutes. I picked up the pace and the pressure, and soon he was reaching climax.  
  
"Valanya....TARION!!!!!!!" he cried, gasping with pleasure.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"We're going to EARTH?" cried Pippin excitedly.  
  
"To see Lady Jess?" Legolas asked, his eyes wide.  
  
"And Lady Kristin?"  
  
"And Lady De?" Aragorn added, with a grin.  
  
"Be ready to leave tomorrow morning," Gandalf instructed. "And we have a purpose. I don't want this to turn into an excuse for all sorts of...devilry."  
  
  
~*~*A/N: Oh, no, not at all. *Grin* Take 'er away, Ian!*~*~ 


	6. Ch 6

~*Ian's PoV*~  
  
  
  
Yoda stared out his viewport, watching the monotonous yet hypnotizing swirl of the icy blue of hyperspace. Yoda felt that it was time to exit hyperspace, and see if he could get to a friendly system. Yoda pulled back on the throttle, and watched as long streaks of light returned to starry pinpoints in the black sky. He looked around to see if he could spot any familiar star patterns, but none were visible. Yoda quickly turned on his star alignment device. The device would use the star patterns to find his exact pinpoint in the galaxy.  
  
The results that came back were shocking. He was in an unnamed system that did not appear on any of the Republic charts. He would have to search around this system. He did a quick scan of the system. There was one sun with nine planets orbiting around it. The fifth through sixth were made of gas, incapable of sustaining life. The third planet reminded Yoda of Corellia. It was a bustling planet, sustaining a wide variety of life forms.  
  
Yoda stretched out his sphere of awareness toward the planet, searching for any intelligent life forms. Suddenly, he felt a blip in his mind. There was someone down there with force powers. Yoda decided to land his ship and discover who this was. He calculated the angle of which he would have to enter the atmosphere based on gravitational pull, and atmosphere density. He pinpointed his exact landing location, and began his descent.  
  
***  
  
"Narvinye" I moaned. Damn, she was good. I felt her tongue running up and down and around…and I was just about to find out if she spit or swallowed...  
  
Suddenly, I saw a red streak plummeting through the atmosphere toward us. Then, De heard it too. The loud noise of the engines made her cover her ears and roll away from him. Dammit. I watched the craft set down lightly on the beach while putting my shorts back on.  
  
For some strange reason, the craft drew my attention like nothing ever had before. I watched as the top hatch opened and a short green creature hobbled out.  
  
"Holy Shit!" De yelled, "is that…Yoda?!"  
  
"Yoda I am called." the green alien stated.  
  
"Greetings Yoda," I said, "welcome to earth."  
  
"Another time for greetings. Problems we have." Yoda replied.  
  
"What kind of problems?" I asked inquisitively.  
  
"Fallen, the Republic has. Soon, darkness shall cover all." Yoda said, hanging his head.  
  
"Isn't there something you can do?" De asked, a worried look stretched across her face.  
  
"Unchangeable, the fate of the Republic is. But come, rescue princess we must." Yoda said, waiving toward his ship.  
  
"Princess? What princess?" I asked.  
"From Naboo, the princess is." Yoda said, beginning to climb back into his craft. I looked around to see if there was anyone on the beach. There was not a soul in sight.  
  
"Wait…Senator Amidala has been taken prisoner? By who?" I asked.  
  
  
"Amidala, one of many." Yoda replied, firing up the engines to his ship.  
  
"Alright," I said, looking at De. She nodded her head in approval. "Lets go."  
  
I helped De to climb up onto the craft, and then catapulted myself up. I looked into the craft. It was small, I was not sure if we could all fit. "Master Yoda…" I began.  
  
"Fit we all can. Sit on your lap, De must."  
  
I climbed down into the gunner's seat, and aided De in lowering herself down. I pulled the buckle around us, and clasped it shut.  
  
"Long journey have we," Yoda said, "sleep while you can."  
  
I leaned back in the seat, and clasped my hands around De's waist. As Yoda lifted the craft from the beach, and propelled it into space, De leaned her torso back against mine, and leaned her head on my shoulder, and fell asleep. 


	7. Ch 7

~*~*A/N: Sorry for the delay. Been busy. De's PoV.*~*~  
  
  
  
I was having a pretty good dream about Aragorn and Elrond, when Yoda's annoying voice cut into my thoughts.  
  
"Wake up. Arriving in Curoscant, we are."   
  
I struggled to sit up, and rubbed my eyes, yawning. Why the hell was I on some weird spaceship instead of enjoying my tropical vacation? Then I remembered...Amidala was in some sort of trouble.   
  
"Let me get this straight," I said, flipping my hair in Ian's face. "We're leaving Bermuda to go to some weird place in a galaxy far, far away just to rescue some bitty with weird hair and an annoying voice?"   
  
Ian blinked at me.  
  
"No, not Arwen," he said. "Amidala."  
  
I threw up my hands. "They're all the same."  
  
"Who else is in trouble?" Ian asked, as the craft began to land. "Besides Amidala, I mean."  
  
"Trouble, Master Obi-Wan is in, as well," Yoda answered, focused on the window.   
  
"See, De?" Ian said, nudging me. "Not just Amidala."  
  
I raised my eyebrows slightly. Obi-Wan? Hmm...this might not be so bad.  
  
"He's got one of them cool sword-things, right?" I asked, blinking innocently.  
  
"Lightsabers?" Ian offered.  
  
"There we go," I said, snapping my fingers. "A lightsaber. He has one of them, doesn't he?"  
  
"Yes, De," Ian said slowly, rolling his eyes in an exaggerated fashion. "All the Jedis have lightsabers."  
  
"Well, ex-cuse me, Mr. I-Know-Everything," I said sarcastically, "but not everyone can be both Star Wars *and* Lord of the Rings experts. I, for one, might have a spontaneous combustion inside my brain."   
  
"It's not being an expert, Miss I'm-Not-Smart, I-Just-Give-Good-Hea--"  
  
"Fight, you mustn't," Yoda interrupted. "In Curoscant, we are."   
  
I leaned over and stared out the window at the beautiful city. For a moment, I forgot that I had just been arguing with Ian, and that he insulted my intelligence, and that my vacation was ruined. I gazed out at the large buildings and pale blue skies.   
  
"Meet with the council, we will," Yoda said.   
  
The doors opened, and I stood. I glanced down, blinking.  
  
"Why am I still wearing my bikini?" I exclaimed. Ian laughed.  
  
"I'm sure we can find something of Amidala's for you to borrow," he said, pushing me towards the door.  
  
"Oh, one of her little slut outfi-"  
  
"Just shut up and walk."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Now," Gandalf said to the Fellowship, "remember. Once we get to Lady Jess's house, we will find out if Lady De is in danger. I do not doubt that Kristin and Jess will want to accompany us. Either way," he sighed, "it is bound to be an adventure."  
  
The hobbits squealed excitedly, and Aragorn and Legolas shared a look. Gimli grumbled to himself. They all reached for his staff, and Gandalf, with another sigh, muttered some words under his breath. There was a flash of light, and then they were gone.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Hey Jess," Kristin called, pulling a carton of milk from the fridge, "is this stuff fresh?"  
  
"I dunno," Jess called back from the living room. "Smell it."  
  
Kristin lifted the carton, sniffing delicately. She wrinkled her nose in disgust, pushing it to the very back of the fridge, behind the year-old bottle of wine. "Gross."  
  
Suddenly, there was a crash upstairs. Kristin glanced towards the ceiling, and in the next second, both her and Jess were racing up the stairs.   
  
"Woah!" Jess exclaimed as the two bounded into her bedroom. "The Fellowship is in my room!"  
  
"They are!" Kristin agreed excitedly, jumping for Pippin.   
  
"What are you guys *doing* here?" Jess asked, giving Legolas a hug.   
  
"Gandalf had a vision of Lady De being in danger," Aragorn said nervously. "Is she all right?"  
  
"She's in Bermuda with Ian," Kristin said. "Lucky bitch," she added under her breath.  
  
"What sort of vision did you have, Gandalf?" Jess asked. They all turned to the wizard, who was sitting with his eyes closed, as if he was thinking something of great importance.  
  
"Gandalf?" Merry said softly.  
  
Slowly, he opened his eyes.  
  
"De is not in this Bermuda," he said slowly. "She is very far...in a galaxy far, far away."  
  
"Well," Pippin said after a long silence. "Let us go to this galaxy then."  
  
  
~*~*~*A/N: Take it, Ian.*~*~*~* 


	8. Ch 8

~*Being as De puts this in here for me anyways; I might as well tell you this is from Ian's POV.*~  
  
  
  
I watched out the rear viewport as Yoda set the ship down on one of the mid-level landing pad on Coruscant. As I stepped out of the craft I gazed out upon the partial cityscape that was visible from the landing pad. Coruscant was a planet-wide city, which housed the centers of law, history, and culture in the galaxy. I followed Yoda across the landing pad, and into a small corridor. I let De in front of me as we entered a lift, which carried us to one of the top floors.  
  
"Stay here, you may" Yoda said.  
  
"Cool" De said. I watched as she examined the door for a knob by which to open it. I couldn't help but laughing as I pressed the button on the keypad to open it.  
  
"They've moved beyond conventional doors." I told De with a smile. She just sneered at me, and entered the room. I entered the room, and hit the glowpad on the wall, turning the lights on in the apartment-style flat. I watched De as she waltzed into the bedroom. Heh…women.  
  
"The bed is nice and soft Ian, just like I like it." She called to me from the next room.  
  
"Excellent" I replied. "Maybe we can try it out later." I finished under my breath.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Nothing honey." I replied with a smirk. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "I'll get it." I said. I went over and entered the code into the keypad to unlock the door. The door whooshed open, revealing a tall, dark skinned man in a brown robe.  
  
"Greetings, I am-"  
  
"Mace Windu" I said, cutting him off.  
  
"You have good foresight, young one. You may have Jedi powers in you, as Master Yoda has forseen." Mace said to me. "But that is not why I am here. The Jedi Council has been summoned to discuss a rescue mission, and Master Yoda wishes your attendance."  
  
"Well, I guess that's what I'm here for, lets go." I said, starting out the door.  
  
"Here, take this," He said, handing me a brown cloak, "and you may want to say goodbye."  
  
"Wow, this is awesome," I said, throwing the cloak over my shoulders. It felt surprisingly light and did not hinder any movements. "De," I called back to her, "I have been summoned, I'll be back later."  
  
"Bye Ian!" De called from the bedroom, "have fun!"  
  
"You too," I replied, "and try not to get into trouble." I turned, and followed Mace out the door.  
  
***  
  
De had been searching through the flat for about an hour when she decided to find some clothes. She moved back to the bedroom, wondering if they had any kind of kinky sex toys in this technologically advanced universe. She went to the closet, and began to sift through clothes. Too much fabric…not revealing enough…too big…then, she found one that might work. She pulled it out, and began examining it. She decided to see what else there was, and threw it on the bed, just in case. She continued sifting through the rack of clothes, when her hand touched a soft, silky gown.  
  
Suddenly, a voice from behind her said "That one suits you well." 


	9. Ch 9

~*~*A/N: LoL. De's PoV.*~*~  
  
  
Ian sat down in a large room with many Jedis. He glanced around in awe, feeling honored to be at such a council. It may not be the Council of Elrond, but it would do. He focused on Yoda, who began to talk, and hoped that De wasn't getting herself into *too* much trouble.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
Why, oh, why was I stuck in some weird room with sliding doors and lots of buttons instead of on the beach? Life was really unfair. Plus, whoever this closet belonged to really needed to get some fashion sense. I think my grandma wore cooler clothes than some of the crap I was sifting through. Finally, I came across a slinky blue gown with a low neckline. I cast a look behind me at the white outfit I'd laid on the bed. This dress was definitely nicer. I pulled it out and held it against my body, smiling at the feel of the cool silk on my skin. Suddenly, I heard a voice behind me that made me jump.  
  
"That one suits you well."  
  
I spun around to see a young man saunter in, his cocky attitude written all over his smug face. I raised my eyebrows. I may not be a Star Wars junkie like Ian, but I know Anakin Skywalker when I see him.  
  
"You think?" I asked cooly, holding up the dress. "I've been having some trouble deciding."  
  
"I think it's quite a nice dress," Anakin said, swaggering across the room.  
  
"How come you're not at the PTA meeting with Ian?" I asked, turning towards the mirror.   
  
"Pardon me?"  
  
"Hey, do you have one of those...lightsabers?" I asked, changing the subject, grinning at getting the word right.  
  
"I do indeed," Anakin said, flashing open his cloak to reveal the silver object at his side.   
  
"Nice," I said, pulling the dress over my head. I then proceeded to untie my bikini strings, and then pulled the white bikini top out from under my dress. I shook out my hair, and then turned to Anakin, who looked all too amused.  
  
"That takes skill, you know," I said, tossing the bikini top behind me.  
  
"I'm sure it does," Anakin said, crossing his arms in front of his chest. What was with this guy?   
  
"You know," I said, walking towards him, "I like evil men. There's something sexy about violence and malice."  
  
"What are you talking about?" he asked blankly.  
  
Ooooh that's right. Anakin didn't *know* he was going to become Darth Vadar. I suppose it would be kinda wrong of me to ruin the ending for him.   
  
"Did you hear about Amidala being captured?" I asked, sitting on the bed. He nodded.  
  
"I haven't seen her for ten years," he said, with a shrug. I grinned. So I'd caught him at a good time...rock on.  
  
"So, don't you have some Jedi training to do?" I questioned, leaning back and kicking up my feet, admiring the dark blue dress. "Like, you know, practicing levitating some bananas in the air, or swinging at ugly robot-things with that lightsaber of yours?"  
  
"I'm done with my training for the day," Anakin answered, sitting down next to me. "In fact, I have nothing to do for the next fifteen hours, thirty-six minutes, and twenty-five seconds."  
  
"Twenty-four," I said in the next moment. Grinning, I added, "I bet I can think of something...educational...for a young Padowan learner like yourself to do."  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
"So?" Boromir asked. "Are we to go?"  
  
"We don't have to leave right now," Kristin said, shifting her gaze towards Pippin.   
  
"Yeah," Jess agreed, glancing up at Legolas.  
  
"Oi," Sam muttered. "They just want...sex."  
  
"Ai!" Pippin exclaimed, grabbing Kristin's hand, and yanking her out of the room. Jess and Legolas followed suit, running down the hallway in the opposite direction.  
  
"At this rate," Gandalf grumbled, "we'll never get out of here."  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
Kristin jumped up on Jess's mother's bed, and Pippin quickly soon joined her. She pulled him down beside her for a kiss, which soon lead to some groping.  
  
"I've missed you," she said, while working with one free hand to undo the buttons on his britches.  
  
"Not quite half as much as I've missed you," Pippin sighed against her lips, moaning slightly as her hand surrounded him.  
  
'Yay,' Kristin thought, 'finally, I get some hobbit sex.'  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
"Oooohh yeah!" I moaned out. "That's it! Use the force, Anakin!" I giggled at myself as he thrusted wildly on top of me.   
  
He laughed, slightly out of breath, and continued. Anakin had one hand wrapped around my wrists, my arms up over my head, and was pounding away like crazy. He was even using "the force" to carress my breasts, which was *incredible*. I had to say, for a Jedi-in-training, this kid was really good in bed. I only had to wonder what the *real* Jedis were like....  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
Ian stood, as the meeting of the Council was wrapping up. He, along with Master Windu, Yoda, and a few others, were to leave soon to rescue Amidala and Obi-Wan.   
  
"Ian," Mace said, walking up to him. "Master Yoda wishes to speak with you."  
  
Ian grinned.  
  
"All right!" he exclaimed. "I am *so* the man."  
  
  
~*~*A/N: Oi. *Tags Ian*. Go there.*~*~ 


	10. Ch 10

I tried to focus on Yoda's words, and picture the fort in my mind. It was a well defended installation on the jungle planet Onderon. The dense foliage of Onderon would provide cover for our expeditionary force. The fortress was a large, six-story building made almost entirely of stone. There were only two entrances, one by air lift, through the roof, and one through the ground entrance. This would be our entrance point. The defenses were moderate. Nothing a few Jedi and I couldn't handle. The basic defenses were two stationary sentry guns, which would have to be taken out by mines or grenades, and about a squad of troops.  
  
Once inside, our group would split up, with three-fourths of it moving upward and finally capturing the landing pad. This would provide for our escape. The other fourth would find a staircase, and head down to the basement. Once in the basement, we would have to gain control of the main corridor. From there, we would make our way to the far end of the hallway, down a flight of stairs, and into the prison area. The prison area was weakly guarded by a squad of guards.  
  
I watched like a spectator as the Jedi played this out in my mind. I now knew the exact layout of the facility. This may not be too bad after all.  
  
***  
"UUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH" De yelled as she climaxed.  
  
"That's was odd." Anakin said as De began to dress herself.  
  
"WHAT?!" De shot back.  
  
"That was a new to me."  
  
"Did you enjoy it?" De asked him with a wink.  
  
"It was different." Anakin replied.  
  
What is with this guy? De wondered. "You were good, I enjoyed it."  
  
"That's good." Anakin stated dryly.  
  
"Anything else you want to tell me?" De asked, trying to get something out of him.  
  
"Your skin is nice and smooth."  
  
"That's it! Get out!" De yelled. "There's the door. Don't come back until you can say something that isn't corny." she finished as he walked out the door. De sat down to think. Gandalf shows more emotion than Anakin, she thought, and that in itself is a scary thought. Ooooh…I need Aragorn! De flopped down on the bed, hoping for sweet dreams of her Dunedain.  
  
***  
  
I got back to the room late, and found De asleep. I flopped on the soft bed beside her, and fell asleep quickly.  
  
  
*The Next Morning…*  
  
The next morning, De awoke to find Ian missing. She found a note saying that he would be back shortly, and to be prepared to leave when he returned. She found a trunk, and stuffed all of the semi-wearable clothes into them.  
  
***  
  
I walked into the room to find De sitting in a chair, seemingly attempting to figure out how to use the holonet.  
  
"Hey De, sleep well?" I asked.  
  
"Ooh, have I got a story to tell you…" De began.  
  
"Not now," I said, "it is urgent that we leave immediately."  
  
"Okay." De said, strolling out the door. I lifted the trunk, and began down the hallway.  
  
***  
  
One standard hour later, the entire force of 32 was on board the freighter Lightning Strike, and ready to depart. I watched as the hatch closed behind us. I turned to Master Yoda, one of the twelve Jedi on board. "How long of a trip is it?"  
  
"Standard hours, thirty-six." Yoda replied, and hobbled off to his quarters.  
  
I decided to watch the ascent from Coruscant, so I made my way to the bridge. I entered just in time to see the stars extend into long streaks of light, and the ship rocket itself into hyperspace. 


	11. Ch 11

~*~*A/N: De's PoV. That is all.*~*~  
  
  
  
After we got onto the ship, Ian frolicked off to the bridge, leaving me alone in a corridor. I didn't know what the hell I was going to do, so I stood there for a few minutes, looking around in confusion. The twelve Jedi that were accompanying us walked off to an adjoining room, and the doors slid shut behind them. Damn. Guess there was no hope in getting that Master Windu to show me his lightsaber.   
  
I sighed, and walked down a long hallway with white walls. Just as I decided I was going to definitely get lost, Ian rounded the corner and practically walked into me.  
  
"There you are," I said, tossing my hair. "I was wondering where the hell you'd gone off to."  
  
"I was just watching the take-off," he said, looking distracted. He tried to walk past me but I jumped in front of him.  
  
"Where are you going?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.   
  
"I have to go somewhere," he said, looking past me, and down the hall.  
  
"You've barely been around at all since we first arrived. First you were at that weird AA meeting or whatever, and then you disappeared this morning. The least you could do is give me an explanation."  
  
"I can't do that," Ian said, trying to step around me again, but, once more, I stopped him, grabbing his arm.  
  
"That's not cool," I protested, not caring if I sounded like the biggest ditz ever. "We're on some stupid planet going to *another* stupid planet where I can't even get a goddamn tan, and you won't tell me anything! Now what the hell am I supposed to do while you go pow-wow with these other aliens?"  
  
Ian sighed, giving me a warning look. He turned to the wall, and punched a few numbers in a keypad. I tapped my foot on the floor, my arms crossed. A soft beeping sound was heard, and a compartment in the wall slid open. He reached inside, and pulled out what looked like a small gun.  
  
"This is a blaster pistol," he said, handing it to me. "Find someone who knows how to use it, and have them teach you the basics. That should keep you occupied while I'm gone."   
  
I raised my eyebrows, turning over the gun in my hand as he walked past me. He stopped, and looked back briefly.  
  
"Don't shoot anyone," Ian called over his shoulder. "Fricken moron," he muttered under his breath, walking away.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
"Are you ready yet?" Aragorn asked, as the four sex-fiends walked into Jess's bedroom, looking quite dishevled.  
  
"Oh, don't even start," Kristin said, plopping down on the floor, and running a brush through her tangled hair. "If De were here, you two would be the last to come back in."  
  
"Why don't we all grab hold of Gandalf's staff?" Jess suggested.   
  
"You'd like that wouldn't y-"  
  
"Let's just do as the Lady suggested," Boromir said, interrupting Kristin. The two girls grinned at one another, and reached out to hold onto Gandalf's staff, along with the rest of the Fellowship. Gandalf muttered some strange words under his breath, and there was a blinding flash of light.  
  
"I hope we don't end up in Botswana," Jess groaned as they disappeared from the room.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
"Sorry I'm late," Ian said, as he slid into a seat. "It was De's fault anyway. You know how girls are."  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
I held the blaster up, sliding my hand around the bottom, and slipping my finger over the trigger.   
  
"Now, what the hell am I to do with this thing?" I muttered to myself  
  
"Easy, there," came a voice from behind me. "Those blaster pistols can be quite dangerous."  
  
I turned, to see Mace Windu approaching. Score...!  
  
"Do you think you can show me how to use this thing?" I asked, twirling it around my finger, smirking at the alarmed look upon his face.  
  
"I think I'd better," he said, "before you hurt someone. Come. There's a shooting range in the hull of this ship."  
  
I grinned, and followed him down the corridor. This would be fun.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
The Fellowship blinked, looking around.  
  
"Where are we...?" breathed Merry.  
  
"This doesn't look like a galaxy far away," Kristin muttered.  
  
"Doesn't look like a galaxay far, *far* away either," Jess added.  
  
"In fact," Gandalf said, squinting into the sun, "this looks a lot like Earth."  
  
  
  
~*~*A/N: Your turn, Ian.*~*~ 


	12. Ch 12

~*Ian's PoV*~  
  
  
  
"Steady." Mace instructed De, but he could tell she still wasn't quite getting it. "Here," he said, taking her hand in his, and wrapping it around the gun. "That is how you hold it."  
  
"Okay," De replied.  
  
"Then," Mace said, taking her thumb, and placing it over the safety switch, "you cock it, like this."  
  
"Hehe, got ya." De said with a grin.  
  
"This blaster has two settings, kill and stun. The switch for that is here," Mace said, pointing to a small switch on the side of the gun.  
  
"What's the difference?"  
  
"Kill blasts will kill the person. Stun blasts will temporarily knock them out. It sort of fries your nervous system." Mace said. "Alright, let's try this again."  
  
***  
  
Twenty hours later…  
  
**  
  
"Hey De," I said, "they're exiting soon; want to come watch the entry?"  
  
"Sure, sounds like…fun" she replied.  
  
"Whatever," I said as I walked toward the cockpit. We entered just as the countdown began.  
  
"Ten seconds to reversion captain"  
  
"Nine…"  
  
"Eight…"  
  
"Seven…"  
  
"Six…"  
  
"Five…"  
  
"Four…"  
  
"This is boring." De said.  
  
"Just wait." I whispered back.  
  
"Two…"  
  
"One…"  
  
I watched as the bright blue of hyperspace became a sheet of whiteness that slowly became thick streaks, and then formed smaller streaks of light. Finally, the long streaks of light became pinpoints once more. I turned to De. "Well...it's show time."  
  
***  
  
The Fellowship was on a distant planet, and had no idea where they were.  
  
"Let's ask that guy." Kristin said.  
  
"Sounds like a plan." Aragorn responded.  
  
Kristin waltzed over to the passing stranger. "Hello, we are looking for De and Ian, do you know where they are?"  
  
"No…but the Jedi may. My name is Bail Organa, senator of Alderran. I was just about to leave for Coruscant, I'd be happy to take you with me. I'm sure the Jedi will be able to find…whoever it is you're looking for."  
  
"Thanks!" Kristin replied, and she trotted back to the group. "Okay guys, we're going to Coruscant."  
  
"Where the hell is that?" Frodo asked.  
  
"I hope it's not like Mordor." Sam replied. 


	13. Ch 13

~*~*A/N: I...hate...school. And I hate Alice in Wonderland. Seriously. I used to like that show...but after directing it...me hatessss it, precioussss. *Sigh* De's PoV.*~*~  
  
  
  
"It's show time," Ian said, with an unreadable grin.  
  
"What do you mean?" I asked.  
  
He just stared, giving me one of those "you're an idiot" looks.  
  
"We're almost in Onderon," he explained slowly. I shot him an exaggerated grin, before rolling my eyes.  
  
"Thanks," I said sarcastically. "I had no idea." I paused. "Now, what I was *actually* trying to ask is - what are we doing here?"  
  
"That's for me to know," Ian said, with an obnoxious smirk, "and you to find out."  
  
He sauntered out of the room, and down the hall.  
  
"Arrghh!" I growled, aiming my blaster at his retreating back, pretending to shoot. "Boys suck."  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
The Fellowship, plus Kristin and Jess, borded the small craft belonging to Bail Organa.  
  
"All we have to do is make this trip at lightspeed to the planet of Coruscant," Organa said, getting on behind them.   
  
"Who will we be talking to once we get there?" Aragorn asked, frowning slightly.  
  
"You should speak with the Jedi," he replied, punching a few buttons into a keypad. "They'll know what to do. Who did you say you were looking for again?"  
  
"Ian and De," answered Kristin. At Organa's blank look, she added, "A guy and a girl about my age. From Earth."  
  
"Earth?" Organa repeated, raising his eyebrows. "I've never heard of such a place." He shrugged. "Perhaps the Jedi will know what you're talking about, for I certainly do not."   
  
"I hope these Jedi can help us," Gandalf muttered to the rest of the group. "It would be a shame to have come all this way for nothing."  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
"Woah," I breathed, peering out the window. We were approaching Onderon, and I couldn't see much, but it was dark out, and I noticed, what appeared to be, a mass of trees.  
  
"Entering Onderon, we are," said Yoda, from behind me. He and Ian were walking in the room together. A few of the other Jedi came as well.  
  
"What are we doing when we land?" I asked, adjusting the top of my dress. I had to admit, I looked a little funny in the silky dress, holding the blaster. But - who's complaining?  
  
"Rescue Amidala and Master Obi-Wan, we will," Yoda said.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
"Ah, here we are," Organa said. "Coruscant."  
  
The Fellowship looked around in awe as the craft landed.  
  
"Come," Organa said. "I will help you find some Jedi."  
  
  
  
~*~*A/N: Goooo Ian.*~*~ 


	14. Ch 14

Yeah, I know, we haven't written in a while. But hey, we've been busy, ok?...or maybe I'm just lazy…either way, here it is. Ian's PoV and stuff like that.  
  
  
I watched out of the front viewport of the shuttle as we descended into the jungle. Our craft sank down into the trees, and became enmeshed in the twisting vines of the dense forest of Onderon. I pulled my dark brown cloak tight around my shoulders and turned away from the viewport. I felt a small rumble in my boots as the ship set down on the jungle floor. We had landed.  
***  
  
"Where are we going?" asked Gimli. "I haven't seen a cave in a long time. I'm getting Miners withdrawal."  
"What?" asked a surprised Merry.  
"Miners withdrawal. I believe you equivalent would be-"  
"Gardening withdrawal." Chimed in Sam.  
"Sure." Gimli said.  
"I don't garden." Merry said.  
"Well then whatever it is that you love dearly."  
"Krissie…" Peregrin said with stars in his eyes.  
"Yes?" Krissie, who had been involved in a conversation with Bail asked upon hearing her name.  
"Oh nothing…" Pippin replied, blood rushing to his face.  
"We have arrived at the Jedi Temple." Bail said.  
"What's that?" Frodo asked.  
"Nevermind," an already-past-his-breaking-point-annoyed Bail Organa replied.  
***  
  
"Let's go." I said.  
"Where?" De asked.  
"To rescue princess and Jedi we must." Yoda said, hobbling onto the scene.  
"Stand back." Ian said as the lift began to descent.  
"Ooooh." De said.  
"What now?"  
"Aragorn says that when he takes his sword out."  
"It's good to be the king." I muttered under my breath.  
"Uhhhh."  
"What now?"  
"That made me horny." De replied.  
"That's not what I wanted to hear." I said, then adding, "On second thought, hold that thought, we can take care of it later."  
"We?"  
"Leave now, we must." Yoda said, interrupting our bickering.  
***  
"Where are they right now?" Aragorn asked.  
"We do not know."  
"Yes you do." Legolas said, reaching for his bow.  
"You are valiant young warrior." One of the Jedi replied, "But you are no match for us."  
"I'm over 3000."  
"What?"  
"I'm not young."  
"Well you look…"  
At the mention of Legolas's looks, Jess fell over. Fortunately, Legolas decided it would be a good idea to catch her before she hit the floor.  
"Can we get on with this already?" Gandalf asked. "In the name of Iluvitar, you remind me of the Mahanaxar! You sit around in a circle, and take FOREVER to make a decision."  
  
(Note: The Mahanaxar also known as the Ring of Doom refers to when all the Valar are gathered together and sit in a circle to make an important decision.)  
  
"They have gone to the planet Onderon." One of the Jedi decided to come out with it.  
"Then we shall go there too." Legolas said.  
"Right. You need people with brains on this mission." Pippin said proudly, as if he had any.  
"That's why I'm here you Fool of a Took!" Gandalf replied.  
"Twelve." Another of the Jedi said.  
"What?" asked Sam, utterly confused at this point.  
"I don't know. I'm not the one writing the story. Ian is. He made me say it."  
"Let us go to Onderon!" Aragorn said.  
"How do we get there?" Asked Frodo.  
"You must travel through many distant lands, face inevitable danger, then, when you think all hope is lost, you will come to a big volcano and have to climb all the way to the top, only to realize that…"   
"We will give you a ship if you promise to leave out presence immediately. You have disrupted the force, and now we're getting stories confused."  
"Even though yours is a complete rip-off of ours." Sam said.  
"What? How did you know that?"  
"Did you ever consider that our story was a little bit biased because Frodo and Sam wrote it? I mean, they completely got me wrong-" said Boromir.  
"Let's get out of here." Krissie said.  
***  
  
I followed Mace through the dense forest of Onderon, checking periodically to make sure De and the rest of the group was still behind me. Suddenly, the forest opened to a vast clearing. I stopped for a minute to catch my breath. We had been walking for over two hours. De stopped beside me.  
"Are you okay?" she asked.  
"Yeah, I'm fine. I am used to walks, but not walks in the jungle. How is it that you aren't out of breath?"  
"Dunedain sex builds stamina."  
"Riiight" I said in a Dr. Evil voice.  
"Rest here, for a few minutes, we will." Yoda said, taking a seat on a nearby rock. 


	15. Ch 15

~*~*A/N: Been a while, huh? I've been...busy? I'm lying. Well, credit to Ian for some of the Jar-Jar things in this chapter. De's PoV.*~*~  
  
  
  
----:15:----  
  
  
  
"Wait," I said, holding up my hands. "Woah, woah woah. One second. Be kind, rewind. Turn it back just for-"  
  
"De!" Ian shouted. "Spit it out."  
  
I rolled my eyes. "We're not camping here or anything, are we?"  
  
"Camp here, we will," Yoda replied.   
  
"No friggen way!" I exclaimed. "My dress is going to get dirty."  
  
"So don't wear it," Ian muttered.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I said, it's actually not your dress. Technically it's Amidala's."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"Set up tent, we must," Yoda interjected.  
  
"Come on," Mace said, already starting to make camp. "You two should help."   
  
I cast a withering look in Ian's direction as I ventured over to Mace. We struggled with a few tents for a bit, until we had them set up. Great. Just great.  
  
"We'll sleep here tonight, and continue on the journey early tomorrow morning," Mace said.  
  
What happened to the rush of rescuing Amidala and Obi-Wan? Now it could suddenly wait to get our beauty sleep. I didn't get it.  
  
~*~  
  
"Who is this guy?" Kristin whispered to Boromir as a strange-looking creature led them to the ship.  
  
"Meesa Jar-Jar Binks!" he replied, overhearing.   
  
The Fellowship, plus Kristin and Jess, all did a double-take as they heard his voice. Merry and Pippin stifled giggles.  
  
"Woah," Jess breathed. "That's one strange dude."  
  
~*~  
  
Saruman laughed bitterly, looming above his palantir.  
  
"So they mean to follow the mortals to a galaxy far, far away," he commented, watching Gandalf and the rest of the Fellowship board the ship. "Interesting...very interesting."  
  
~*~  
  
"Well, De? Feeling bored?" Ian asked. I rolled my eyes. The two of us had been forced to share a tent, and he'd been doing nothing but making suggestive comments for the past ten minutes.   
  
"Actually, no," I replied. "I'm tired."  
  
"Hmm, I bet I can fix that."  
  
"Ian!" I exclaimed, flipping over to glare at him, "how many times do I have to tell you?! You're not old, you're not dirty or unshaven, you don't slay orcs, and we're not friggen' having sex!"   
  
"Damn," he replied, tucking his hands behind his head. "It's good to be the king."  
  
"Yes it is, but you're not a king, and you don't have a sword."  
  
"We'll see about that," he replied with a grin.  
  
"Whatever," I muttered, turning around again, and proceeding to go to sleep.  
  
~*~  
  
"Meesa a homo!" Jar-Jar called, in a singsong voice. "Meesa likea mena!"   
  
"I'm going to shoot him with my arrows," Legolas said, glancing around to everyone. "I'm really going to do it."  
  
They'd been on their way for a few minutes, and already the Fellowship wanted to kill Jar-Jar. Of course.  
  
"Please do," Jess urged.  
  
"Meesa thinka yousa attractive, Mr. Legolas!"  
  
"That's it." Legolas reached behind him, grabbed his bow, and loaded it with an arrow. In the next moment, there was a "whoosh" followed by a sharp "twang" sound. Jar-Jar gasped in surprise as an arrow pierced his chest.  
  
"Oops," Legolas said sarcastically. Jess laughed, giving the Elf a high five.  
  
"Meesa ina paina," Jar-Jar moaned.  
  
"Let me help you," Aragorn said, swinging out quickly with his sword, stabbing him in the stomach.  
  
Soon, the entire Fellowship was in on the killing of Jar-Jar. The hobbits danced around, poking him with their small swords, and Gimli swung out with his ax. After a few minutes of stabbing, shooting, and prodding, there was silence. And a lot of blood.  
  
"Ahh...such peace," Gandalf said with a sigh.  
  
  
  
~*~*A/N: *Dies* Take it, Ian!*~*~ 


	16. Ch 16

**Hahaha…you know you enjoyed that. Ian, of course.  
  
  
Sam stood over the bloody carcass of Jar Jar, and looked down in disgust. "So much for him. He was pretty worthless anyway."  
  
"Good riddance." Added Gimli.  
  
~*~  
  
Suddenly, the imaginary crowd of people who are reading this story gave a whooping cheer. It was so loud, it penetrated time, space, and computers and the Fellowship, aboard their ship, heard the faintest echo of it.  
  
~*~  
  
"You know," Aragorn said, "I think we just killed the only guide we had."  
  
"Who cares." Chimed in Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Jumpin' kings of Numenor!" Gandalf proclaimed, "We did!"  
  
"Hey!" Aragorn shot back a serious look on his face, "no jokes about my family history. Would you like it if I said 'Jumpin old men in cloaks?' Or how about 'Jumpin' Istari?'"  
  
"Okay, enough!" Jess said.  
  
"How did you know I was an-" Gandalf began.  
  
"Hey, why doesn't Gandalf just transport us to Onderon or wherever in Elbereth's name we're going." Pippin suggested.  
  
"That's got to be the dumbest idea I've ever heard." Boromir said. "Almost as lame as that 'Speak FRIEND and enter deal."  
  
"But that worked!" Pippin replied.  
  
"And then what happened? That damn watcher in the water showed up, we almost got killed, then we got trapped in the mines with a bunch of orcs and the bal-"  
  
"Enough!" Gandalf said. "Do not speak the names of foul creatures when you are in distant lands. The enemy has spies everywhere."  
  
"Are we going or what?" Sam asked.  
  
"Don't you start with me now too!" Boromir yelled. "You, YOU, who made you so high and mighty! It's because of you that everyone who has ever read the story has disliked me!" Boromir continued, beginning to cry. "I wasn't the bad guy! I wasn't." He was almost sobbing now. "But because of you two," he said, pointing to Frodo and Sam, "You have made everyone see the story from the biased opinions of halflings!"  
  
"Shut UP!" Aragorn said, seeing tears begin to gather in Frodo's eyes. "Gandalf, please, I beg of you, let us be off."  
  
***  
  
Back on Onderon…  
  
  
"Wake, you must." Yoda said, startling De. De looked around. She was in their tent, Ian was gone.  
  
"Where's Ian?" she asked, trying not to show concern.  
  
"Gone ahead he has."  
  
Great, thought De. Leave it to Ian to drag me off to some distant planet, and then leave me with a bunch of fricken aliens.  
  
~*~  
  
Meanwhile…Ian and some of the other Jedi had snuck ahead to clear the fortress.  
  
  
"Okay," Mace said, "here's what we're going to do…We're going to sneak around the back."  
  
"Screw the back." I said, "The back never works. Follow me."  
  
I jumped from the bushes into the clearing about a hundred meters from the front door. Outside of the door were stationed two guards. I whipped out his blaster and carefully took aim. As soon as the crosshairs were lined up, he fired.  
  
  
***  
  
The screech of the blaster bolt tore through the forest.  
  
"What in the hell was that?!" De asked Yoda.  
  
"Blaster fire that is. Jedi and Ian it be."  
  
"We have to go help." De said, grabbing her blaster and charging off through the forest, forgetting that she was racing a 850 year old green midget to the clearing.  
  
  
***  
  
The second trooper fired a shot directly towards me. I dove out of the way, and it flew off into the forest. I barrel-rolled on the ground, came up in a crouch position, and squeezed the trigger. The shot blasted directly through the trooper's helmet.  
  
"Nice shooting." Mace commented.  
  
"Thanks," I replied as we walked across the clearing.  
  
  
  
  
Suddenly, blaster fire erupted from the trees above.  
  
"Snipers!" Mace yelled. "Protect Ian! He's got the surest shot of us all."  
  
I sensed something twitch in my mind as the Jedi formed a line in front of me, to shield me from the sniper fire. Suddenly, I realized what it was. I turned around to see a trooper bearing down on me from out of the woods. I snapped off a quick shot that clipped him in the shoulder, and sent him tumbling to the ground. I ran toward him and snap-kicked the front of his mask. I heard something crack and hoped it was his neck and not my foot.  
  
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that I was close to the door. It was no more than three steps away. I started to take my first step when I realized that De and Yoda were still out in the woods. I had to clear the area. I used my first step to launch myself into a summersault, blaster fire zinging by. I felt the hair singed on the back of my neck.  
  
I came out of the roll and snapped off a plethora of shots into one tree. The wet branches of the jungle did not catch fire, and I noticed a white shape plummet to the ground. I aimed for the next tree and let loose another salvo. Checking my blaster's energy level, I noticed that I had one shot left. This was it. All or nothing. As I took aim on the third tree, De burst into the clearing, a red blaster bolt flew by her.  
  
"AHHHHHHHH!!"  
  
I blocked out her scream as I targeted the final sniper. I could see him now. My vision was clear. I slowly moved my hands into position as I cradled the blaster against my body.  
  
  
  
  
**It's all you De. You people out there in FanFic reader land KNOW you liked the Jar Jar part. 


End file.
